Honoring All the Emotions of Mother’s Day
A few months ago, while standing in line at a coffee shop, I noticed a beautiful tattoo on a man's arm right in front of me. It was a heart with the word "Mom" in it. I commented on the tattoo and said, "Your Mom must be very special to you."
My comment evoked some beautiful stories from the man I had just met. Here's my recollection of some of what he told me. “It’s complicated. My mom was very special. She died two years ago, and I got this tattoo to help me remember her. We had a complicated relationship. She struggled with addiction when I was growing up, so she was not well. I also struggled with addiction but got clean ten years ago. She got into recovery near the end of her life, too, and we had some beautiful years together—making up for lost time. Our relationship was complicated but loving, and in the end, it was so good, and I miss her so much." I thanked him for sharing his story and told him how touched I was by it.
Relationships are indeed complicated and filled with complex emotions. We often teach that one of the hallmarks of emotional wellness is being comfortable with feeling and expressing the full range of our emotions.
Imagine that the full range of emotions exists on a scale from zero to ten. Now think of 0-5 as the "unpleasant" emotions, like sadness, anxiety, worry, anger, and fear. Next, think of 6–10 as the "pleasant" emotions, such as joy, love, happiness, excitement, and peace.
Most of us are relatively comfortable feeling and expressing the 6-10 emotions, yet it seems many of us try to avoid feeling and expressing our 0-5 emotions This makes sense as everyone likes having, talking about, and listening to ones with the higher number, and the reverse is true with the lower numbered emotions as they are more challenging to feel and to listen to others we care about express them.
Here, however, is an important insight regarding this range of emotions: if we block out the 0-5 emotions, we will soon notice that we feel far less of the 6-10 emotions. Author Jim Rohn makes this point, as well: "The walls we build around us to keep sadness out, also keeps out the joy."
Emotions are not good or bad; they simply are. They are like a thermometer, giving us a read on the world around us. Watch a young child; within thirty minutes, you will notice that they are comfortable experiencing the full range of "0-10" emotions. They don't try to build walls around their feelings to protect themselves and don't get stuck in any one emotion. If we are willing to genuinely listen to and accept all of our feelings without judgment as they do, we, too, can avoid getting stuck in any one emotion.
We share all of this today because this weekend is Mother's Day and based on our decades of experience as therapists, we know that Mother's Day naturally evokes the whole range of "0-10" emotions. If you are filled with love and joy this weekend, then celebrate that, and when possible, express it. If, on the other hand, you are feeling grief or sadness, honor those emotions, too. Share them with others you trust to be there for you as you grieve.
Sometimes holidays create an expectation or pressure to feel a certain way, which is unrealistic and can be detrimental to our mental health. Befriend your emotions and accept them as a message from yourself. Most likely, they could benefit from your care and attention.
Making It Personal:
What emotions are you feeling as Mother's Day approaches?
Are there feelings of love and gratitude that you want to be sure to express?
Are there other feelings that maybe you are having this year that you also want to express?
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*Each week Sott and Holly record and release a new episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode expands on the topic of the weekly column, and is about fifteen minutes in length. You can listen in your favorite podcast app (Apple, Google, Spotify, etc.)—just search for The Wellness Compass, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.
And speaking of podcasts, Scott has launched a new podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. This newly launched LIving Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.